Category Archives: Opinion

Misery and Gin

I like a lot of music. Worlds greatest country song? Maybe Merle Haggard’s Misery and Gin. Check it…

Memories and drinks don’t mix too well.
Jukebox records don’t play those wedding bells.
Lookin’ at the world through the bottom of a glass,
All I see is a man who’s fading fast.

Blah, blah, blah,

But here I am again, mixin’ misery and gin.
Sittin’ with all my friends and talkin’ to myself.
I look like I’m havin’ a good time but any fool can tell,
That this Honky Tonk Heaven really makes ya’ feel like hell.

That's Merle there on the tee vee.

Lastly, and in accordance with my badass e-self image (that certainly wouldn’t want to be mis-identified as a modern country music-lover), I would quote the immortal words of Hank Williams (the Third, that is), to wit:

Cause the kind of country I hear nowdays
is a bunch of fuckin’ shit to me
And they say that I’m ill-mannered
that I’m gonna self-destruct
But if you know what I’m thinkin’
you’ll know that pop country really sucks

My simplified treatise on country music. That’s all, y’all.


Anti-Valentite

So Valentine’s Day is just a week away. Valentine’s Day is interesting, very interesting. Let’s see, it was created to honor certain Christian martyrs, and according to Wikipedia, there were several early Christian martyrs named Valentine.  Yes, I know, Wikipedia: the end all of knowledge. But whatever, I’m sure there’s some truth in this.

So tell me, how many of our holidays are NOT based on Christian martyrs? Thanks to Chaucer, the Valentinian martyrs (of which there appear to have been more than one) eventually became associated with romantic love (somehow, I’m not really prepared to go into that type of detail).

Anyway, as we all know, Valentine’s Day is just another commercialized non-holiday holiday featuring a bunch of red hearts and shitty chocolates. The Wal-Marts of the world love it. Another chance to sell cheap crap for, well, cheap. I noted an entry in our old friend Wikipedia referring to Antivalentinism, which is just fucking awesome, particularly in this post-Seinfeld world.

Happy Antivalentinesday folks!

Old school Valentine (a.k.a., the way it should be).


Pennies from Ellen

I wasn’t even going to post today. Didn’t have anything to say, really. But then I read about this group, One Million Moms (OMM), that has started a campaign against JC Penney because they recently hired Ellen DeGeneres as spokeswoman. Ok, so I was initially revolted by this. I went to their website, then I was not only revolted but insulted. What I learned was that it’s not just Pennies (it’s Pennies around here, people) that this group is targeting, but also Macys (two grooms on a wedding cake ad); Jenny Craig (a sensually clad Mariah Carey ad); Ben and Jerrys (you guessed it: the SCHWEDDY BALLS ice cream flavor); Rite Aid, Walgreens, and CVS (oh yes, adult toys [gasp!]); and I could go on and on. Actually that was fun. I might visit them again. Then shop at all those stores completely out of spite and fill out customer courtesy cards at each letting them know OMM referred me.

But I digress, OMM wants you to place a call to Pennies in order to:

Ask JC Penny to replace Ellen Degeneres as their new spokesperson immediately and remain neutral in the culture war.

Really? Remain neutral in the culture war? This is soooo moronic! Do they mean the culture war that’s initiated and propogated by groups like OMM? What the hell is going on here?

Anyway, aside from the obvious, one of the main problems here is with OMM’s ill-conceived, poorly worded statement of campaign purpose, entitled JC Penny is Now Insulting Its Customers that reads, in part:

Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of its customers are traditional families.

And, that:

The small percentage of customers they are attempting to satisfy will not offset their loss in sales by offending the majority.

Now, oh, why do they think that many people really care that Ellen is gay? Because this so-called majority, of which I am included, is supposed to be offended that Ellen does not represent a “traditional family”? Uh, get over yourselves, OMM. Go live your life. Don’t shop at Pennies, please. I don’t want to see you in there, ok?

Guess what? One MILLION Moms are currently searching for moms (and guess what else? singles are even welcome [!]) to make up their million. Try and find out just how many of them there are right now. I couldn’t. Who the hell knows, but I’ll be John Brown if there are more than a couple thousand, and some of them are probably men. After all, this is a ministry of the ultra-conservative American Family Association, an organization that is, among other things, a strong anti-gay hate group. Wonderful.

Hey, OMM bitches, go back to 1953, will ya?

You know, sometimes I really just don’t like people. But then again, I like more people than I think because in researching this I found this awesome blog post about the hypocrisy of OMM. No doubt there are hundreds, if not thousands more.


Die, Twinkie, Die

So I heard today on NPR that Hostess has filed for bankruptcy, citing, among other things, labor issues. What Ever. They make shit food. SHIT FOOD. I’ve no real accompanying picture, so in the spirit of the vague image associations, or, rather, disassociations, that usually accompany my posts (up to this point anyway), check out this treasure chest. What could be in it? Tune in next month.

Do Not. Seek. The Treasure!


I Am the Maker of Rules

Drawing a blank today. It kinda seems like if you have nothing to say, then why say anything at all?

Nevertheless, in support of always saying something, and of said something being completely off subject (of which there never was one to begin with haha), I did just clean up two spilled waters in the course of about a half an hour. At least this isn’t a juice household. I hate juice. Ninety-nine percent of the time it’s just sugar water (don’t quote me on that; there are a shitload of great food blogs that can give you the goods). Why does everyone feed their kids sugar water and then feel good about it?  How bizarre. How about some good, old fashioned fruit instead? Juice just really pisses me off! Really. Fuck you, juice.

And yes, I AM the food police. You just wait. I’ve not even begun yet.

I am the eye in the sky, looking at you. I can read your mind.


I Like Big (Brains)

So today’s sad story about the malfunctioning French breast implants kinda gets in my craw. And, you know, industrial-grade silicone contained in a bag in the body is one thing, but when it  leaks out into the system, that’s entirely another. What I still can’t figure out, and I’ve given it some thought, is why on earth would someone actually think its cool to put bags of silicone in their boobs in the first place. Sure, they didn’t know it was the bad silicone, right? Perhaps the nice, healthy silicone would have been just peachy had it leaked out. Look, I’m not ragging on anyone, and I have friends who have done this to themselves, but I sure don’t get it. And this “I’m doing it for me, to feel good about myself” line is complete bullshit because I can guarantee you that if there were no men on this earth we would all be completely happy with ourselves. Symbol of femininity, my Ass (hey, now there’s a curve you can be proud of; no one ever put silicone in their butts [did they? oh lord I bet they have])!

I like Belle’s boobs and I cannot lie (they’re completely natural after all).

P.S. Just a side note: I’m completely, 100 percent, for it when called-for on a serious medical level (cancer, injury, etc.).


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